The Hardest Part of Becoming a Stay-at-Home Mom: Type A longing for an A+

The year my husband and I decided we wanted to have a child was full of excited anticipation.  We are planners, so of course we tried to plan for everything — the month our baby would be born, the perfect nursery on a budget, and which items we had to have new (a crib) v. which ones we could acquire second hand (a changing table). Money was tight and we were adding another person’s expenses to the budget, and one of the biggest things I was nervous about was whether or not I could stop working so that I could stay home with the baby.

I have always loved spending time with children. I nannied over the summer while in college and graduate school.  I chose a career where I could work with children every day as an outpatient therapist.  It made sense that I wanted to be there for as many moments as possible during our children’s early years.  So when we crunched the numbers and realized that my salary as a social worker would barely cover the expense of childcare, our decision was made.  I would become a stay-at-home mom.

What I didn’t plan for was the empty feeling I had at the end of each long day after our daughter was born.  I was tired and hormonal and more than a little sensitive.  My daughter had trouble nursing and for six weeks I pumped every few hours and tried to nurse in between.  Each time my baby failed to latch it was a new devastation.  My job was to provide nourishment for my child, and I felt like a failure.  She finally got the hang of it, but without the bottle, my husband was concerned because we could no longer see the amount of milk she was receiving and again I felt this was an attack on me.  Being a mom was hard and while there were no clear markers for a job well done, there were a million times a day I questioned myself about whether I was doing it right.

Over time, I have come to realize that the void I was feeling was the absence of positive feedback I had worked so hard to receive in every class and every job I have ever held.  The thing about raising a child is that although it is the hardest and most important thing I will ever do, the feedback on whether I am doing a good job takes a really long time to receive.  If I’m lucky, when my kids turn 18 they will move out of the house and go to a good school. But day in and day out, the accomplishments I achieve are private and there isn’t anyone standing nearby ready to hand out a gold star.

My husband never put pressure on me to clean the house or do other chores while I was home, and my brother-in-law once told me that if the baby and I were both still alive at the end of the day, I had done a good job.  I was grateful for this loving support, but still the internal pressure I continued to put on myself to be the best was enough to make me moody by the time my husband came home each night.  My entire life I had used a simple strategy to measure my self-worth — learn the rules, work hard, receive validation from others.  In school I received good grades and praise from my teachers.  At work, I got compensated for my efforts, recognition from my supervisors, and I was even able to see my clients make measurable progress.  But now, as a stay at home mom, things were different.

I wish I had known to give myself grace as a new mom.  My husband certainly did.  He did everything he could to make sure I knew that I was loved and that he was proud of me. Unfortunately, this didn’t make it easier because I had set the bar higher than ever before and I was competing with myself to the point of exhaustion.  My old strategy couldn’t work because the rules of parenting change every day and success is not measured by a clear cut one size fits all standard.  Becoming a parent is one of the most challenging jobs in the world and when you’re working that hard and giving that much of yourself, the reward has to be more than external validation. It needs to come from within.  Eventually the withdrawal from A+’s and gold stars faded and I made peace with my role as a stay-at-home mom.  I found outlets to stimulate my brain and took on responsibilities outside our home.  And I learned from other wise moms that there is no such thing as a perfect parent.  The closest thing we can hope for is personal growth.

Looking back, these are the things I wish I had known before I had started this journey and the things that I cling to now in order to keep myself grounded.

1. Recognize if you are a “chronic over-achiever” and if this may be contributing to your own frustrations as a parent.
2. Redefine success in your home. Sit down with your spouse and make a list of values that are most important (such as love and kindness) and work hard to measure your success based on whether or not the choices you are making reflect these qualities (rather than comparing yourself to other moms and dads).
3. Remember the old adage about putting on your own oxygen mask before helping others. Take time to make sure your basic needs are being met. If they aren’t because you have a newborn or your child is going through a very rocky stage, cut yourself some slack before evaluating how you are doing.
4. Give yourself permission to relax. Don’t stress so much about whether or not you are doing it right and instead spend time learning how to trust your heart. Being able to rely on your instincts will give you a compass to follow as you chart this land of parenthood that does not come with a clear map for success.
5. If you know you need external validation, but you are lacking outlets for this feedback, look for other places to receive it. Join a book club with like-minded parents, volunteer in your prior field of work, or complete an online course.
6. It’s okay to ask for help. Turn to other parents for support—but be careful to resist your instinct to compare how you are doing with how they are doing. Create a village of nurturing friends who will cheer you on and provide a shoulder to lean on when you need it.
7. Make sure your child’s basic needs are met and that they feel loved. Remember everything else is gravy.

If you know someone who could benefit from reading this article, please share it.  You may be the nurturing friend that they rely on to help make parenting less about competition and more about love.