Distinguishing Between Meltdowns and Manipulation: Understanding Your Child’s Behavior
If you have ever found yourself looking for parenting advice around what to do with a child who is prone to meltdowns or tantrums you have probably read about how important it is to offer comfort and meet him or her where they are. In fact, what we know about the brain of a child in the middle of a true meltdown is that their emotional brain has taken over and they are in fight or flight mode. They cannot be reasoned with and they certainly cannot be asked to use the logical part of their brain. Telling this child to take a deep breath or to consider consequences will only set them off further. What works is to speak to them with a calm voice and to make them feel safe. Once they have calmed down it is possible to process what they could have done differently. So why is it that even after reading this sound advice many parents are still left feeling confused about what to do when they are confronted with a tantrum?
The problem with this information is that it leaves out an important distinction between what to do if your child is having a true meltdown v. what to do when your child is using manipulation. The difference between meltdown and manipulation needs to be clearly defined.
A child is using manipulation if they are accessing their logical brain to try to get their way.
When your son wants to eat pizza for the fourth night in a row and angrily announces, “I hate you, you never serve anything I like, I’m not eating” he’s using manipulation. If as soon as he gets his way he is instantly all better without any recovery time, you have a clear sign he has successfully used this strategy. On the other hand, when your daughter makes a poor choice because she is completely overwhelmed by the fact that she cannot figure out her homework or your son loses his temper after a friend knocks over the Lego tower he has spent all afternoon on both children are likely in meltdown mode.
During a meltdown children’s brains are in fight or flight and they need to be calmed down before you can process what happened.
Sometimes the difference between the two may feel subtle, but if the message your child’s behavior is sending is “if i don’t get what I want I will make your life hard” your child is trying to engage you in a power struggle– and this is manipulation.
Developmentally speaking, it is perfectly normal for a child to start to explore how powerful they can be. This begins between the ages of 3-6 years, and during this time, children learn how to get their needs met while considering what other people need as well. Although they are small, children find power in many ways. They may pretend not to hear you, act helpless, use their little bodies to hit or shove, threaten, or even deliberately refuse to do what you ask. When we were children, many parents would not stand for this, and they made this clear with their tone of voice as well as other strict consequences. Today, the pendulum has swung the other way, and parents can end up being bulldozed by children who are exploring their power trying to get their way. Even if you have clear rules in your home about hitting and using mean words, a parent who makes every effort to hear their child’s perspective can end up raising a constant negotiator who simply refuses to accept the word “no.”
The solution is to teach your child to use their power cooperatively while you hold on to firm limits about acceptable behavior. This means that if your child has been watching TV all morning and they get angry when you ask them to turn it off, they must pause, identify they are upset, calm themselves down and then make a suggestion in a respectful way. If your son says “this show only has two more minutes. Would it be okay if I finish it before I turn the television off?” he has offered a solution respectfully which may meet both of your needs. If your daughter blatantly ignores you, or says, “I’ve barely watched any”, or starts crying just to get her way she is using manipulation. In a nut shell, if your children are being disrespectful, using mean words, or other forms of power to bully you into giving them their way– they are manipulating.
It is true that it is easier to squelch power struggles altogether by teaching your child that they can never question your authority but this type of parenting can be problematic in the long run. Right now your children are listening to you and they care about what you think. This is the critical window when you can teach your child to listen to their inner voice, identify how they feel and put words to what they think in a respectful way. As your children grow up and turn more to their peers for advice they will be used to thinking independently and will be less likely to fall prey to mindless following. If it feels like a burden now to negotiate with a five year old, consider whether it is worth it if the end result is a teen who is comfortable speaking up with her own opinion when a peer suggests she has a drink, smokes a cigarette, or sleeps with their boyfriend.
The next time you ask your child to do something and their reaction gives you that familiar tug-of-war feeling there are a few simple parenting tools you can use to make sure you land on your feet.
Model for your child how to handle frustration appropriately.
This means that as you get annoyed and start to feel your temper rise, pause and identify that you are frustrated because your child is trying to engage you in a power struggle. Remind yourself that you only really have control over your own reaction. Put energy into remaining calm using deep slow breaths until the frustrated feeling passes. Children respond well to adults who are clearly in control and seeing that you are calm and in charge of your reactions can actually deescalate them.
If your child is using manipulation, don’t let them engage you!
Sometimes we start out calm, but quickly fall back into the old pattern of participating in a power struggle. Remember, manipulating kids are looking for an audience. If there is no one to tug back on the rope, they cannot manipulate you. Avoid explaining, threatening, yelling or negotiating, because as you have probably already experienced, these tactics will only escalate an already volatile situation. Your child’s tantrum may initially get louder when you try this approach. Remember that they are used to getting a reaction from you, and they are working hard to pull you back in. Stay calm and don’t let them.
Decide which rules you want your child to follow when they want to share their feelings about something you have said and stick to them.
The goal is to avoid a power struggle. Post the rules in the kitchen or where arguments typically occur. Review them with your child in the morning or at night when they are calm—not during a moment of disagreement. I have a seven-year-old son who constantly tries to exert his power and when he disagrees with us the rules we expect him to follow are: 1) Recognize you are upset and name the feeling. 2) Take slow deep breaths to calm down so you can think of a good idea. 3) When you have a suggestion for a compromise, use kind words and be respectful 4) Remember that if you use mean words or mean hands it is called bullying. No one deserves to be bullied. If this happens we will ask you to take some space or we will walk away. You can apologize and try again after you calm down. 5) Adults are in charge and they make the final decision. If the answer is no, accept it.
If the pattern of giving in to manipulation has already been established in your home, introduce these rules and then praise your child when he or she is making progress using them.
If they issue a threat or start to manipulate, point it out and ask them if they would like to try asking in a more respectful way. If they refuse to engage respectfully, either walk away explaining that you deserve to be treated kindly, or calmly enforce your request despite their resistance. Eventually, your child will learn that they’re more likely to get their way by respectfully engaging you than manipulating you. At times, they’ll need to learn that “no” simply means “no” and that in these instances, there’s no room for negotiation.
And finally, teach your children how to use long slow inhales and exhales to create a calm mood at night before bed.
Practice with them regularly. This creates new neural pathways in the brain and it makes it easier for them to access this skill when they are upset in the moment.
Teaching children how to cope with frustration is challenging. Even as adults most of us lose control of our emotions several times a day. If you live in North Carolina and are curious about whether working with a parenting consultant could help strengthen your relationship with your kids, click here to learn more about how I work with parents.
This was a great read! I saved your link for future reference and will be applying these tips. Hope they work
My 6 year old granddaughter fakes a full blown meltdown. U can actually see her fake each step. She claims to not be able to do something she has done many times, “I cant make a dot. I will never be able to make a dot.” This comes out of nowhere as she cries. Then, she hyperventilate, screams and repeats it about 15 or so times. Then she start to throw stuff and hit her mom with fist or pillows. I have at times made her laugh but she holds on to her attitude a d disruptive and disrespectful behavior for an hour or more, 3 to 5 times a day. I get that her reason for the behavior is real but the behavior is so fake; it’s calculated.
In this instance I believe the most important thing you can do is keep your calm and try hard to put words to what you believe she is feeling. “Drawing is hard and part of you feels so frustrated when you can’t make a dot the way you want to.” Pause and see how she responds. Does she get quiet? Does her body settle a little? Is there a sigh or an exhale? These are all signs you are on the right track and you can ask her at that point, “is there more you want me to know?” When a person feels heard and understood there is very little reason for continued tantrums (real or not).
Thanks for your response. I will take it all into consideration
I have read your article and I believe in attachment and being in tune with your kids. My fear is that I have taken this too far and have not set up consequences well enough. I have a 7 year old and at bedtime we managed to achieve her falling asleep by herself with me sitting in hallway.(before then I was on the bed every night until she was about 6)
Since returning to school we are having 2 hour meltdowns which result in her being physically violent towards me, and damaging things around the home. I have tried to sit in position and ignore her but she then runs screaming into her brothers room to deliberately wake him or resorts to hitting me. I have tried calmly walking her back in to her bed but the behaviours escalate and when I persist she then goes full scale meltdown to the point she can’t regulate. If I leave she follows. I struggle to know if I should assist at this point or not. If I do I find as soon as she has calmed then she turns back to trying to manipulate but if I don’t then she can be hysterical for 2 hours. And I can’t move her as she is too big to be lifted or she lashes out. Then she gets so.exhausted she tries to apologise and asks for help.to regulate but is this support or giving in to demands?
Amac, I would focus on increasing her felt sense of safety at bedtime. It makes sense to me that with school starting she has regressed and what was working before is not working now. Go back for now to sitting by her side and then work your way to where you were before allowing her to fall asleep with you not in the room. During the day when she is in a good space help her process what she feels at night and give her language to ask for what she needs so that she doesn’t have to run around tantrumming (for instance, “I don’t feel safe and I need you with me to calm down.” Help her come up with self soothing strategies she can start to use at night (things like using a weighted blanket, hugging a teddy bear with your sent, using a mantra like “I know I am safe” or “I am brave and I can do hard things.”) When she is upset use a bottom up brain approach – treat her the way you would if she were a baby without words since she is operating from a very young part of her brain. Share your calm with her through your body language, sing to her, rock her. The other, very important piece is noticing if her behavior is triggering you and working hard to pause and do a u-turn so you can regulate your own emotions. When you are redirecting her back to her room try hard to remain as neutral as possible.
Thank you for your response. I decided that the way forward was to take a step back and try and use more support and connection as opposed to trying to step away. She is obviously going through a regression and needs help to regulate for now. We think there is some other issues around friendships and attachments which we are now exploring and would make sense to her feeling the need for connection. You response has reassured me we have gone down the correct path. Sometimes trying to go for attachment led parenting techniques feels like we are going against the “norm” in society but I’ve decided I need to ignore that and focus on my little people and their feelings. Thanks again.
My 3 year old granddaughter refuses to get in her car seat when she doesn’t want to go. It’s a power struggle all the time.
She also gives her mommy a hard time at bedtime.
I wonder if she is manipulating her mom. My daughter & I can’t agree on how to deal with this so I’m looking for advice. Please help.
Hi,
We have a 9 year old who is violent, aggressive, abusive (verbally and physically) who throws violent tantrums and hurts us daily. This happens when she doesn’t get what she wants and often she seems to get a kick out of hurting us.
I’ve been on many parenting courses. I always remain calm and patient and consistent. What an I doing wrong, what can I do to teach her.
Laura, parenting is a balancing act between making space for your child’s difficult emotions (validating them and letting them know that you believe them and that you understand) AND having clear and consistent limits and boundaries. When she is calm talk to her about how you know sometimes she gets really upset and you want to make a plan to help her with these big feelings because you love her too much to continue to allow her to hurt you. Come up with ideas for how she can get out her big feelings without hurting you and practice them while she is calm. When you start to see her getting upset name what you think she is feeling and ask her to tell you more (avoid judgement and advice giving, your goal is to meet her with compassion and understanding). If she starts to lash out physically do what you need to enforce your limit (for example put her in her room and let her know that as soon as she can be with you without hurting you she can cone out). As she calms down work with her to release big energy. You can find great tips for this here:https://constructiveparenting.com/making-space-for-anger-parent-therapy-charlotte-nc/
Nice and helpful tips that parents can follow through.