How to Support Your Child When They Feel Anger

Pop Quiz! When your child gets upset and lashes out, do you:

A) Immediately correct her and let her know that kind of behavior is unacceptable
B) Try to figure out why she is upset so you can fix the problem and make her feel better
C) Cave and let her have her way
D) Use the opportunity to teach your child how to be with her difficult emotions

If you didn’t answer D, I get it. When children are angry, most parents’ first reaction is to shut it down or to change things so that their kids feel better. In fact, for years when I worked with parents of angry kids, my focus was on teaching them coping skills to help their kids calm down. These skills are very important, but the problem is I missed a step. I didn’t teach parents how to become comfortable with their kids big emotions. If your response to your child’s anger sends the message that what they are feeling is not okay, and if your only intervention is to help your kids get past the anger, you are not teaching them what to do with the uncomfortable emotion they feel in the moment. Put differently, if making space for anger is not your first step then you are sending them the message that anger is so scary, even adults can’t tolerate it. If you’re not sure how to make room for anger these five steps will help.

STEP 1: Consider Where Your Current Patterns of Reacting to Anger Came From

Take a moment to think about how your parents responded when you got angry as a child. Was it tolerated? Was speaking out in anger so frowned upon that you would not have even considered it? The way your parents responded to your upset emotions directly shapes how you respond now. Perhaps each time you got mad you were told you were bad, or you were spanked, or you were sent to your room. If so, it is likely that you instinctively learned that anger is wrong. Therefore, when your kids get upset this part of you steps up and says, “Showing anger made my parents so uncomfortable that they pushed me away. I need to shut this down so my child doesn’t have to feel all alone like I did.” Our parents did the best they could with what they knew but the problem is that if we respond like they did, we are just perpetuating the cycle of abandoning our kids with their big emotions. Fortunately, as adults we have choices and we don’t have to leave our children alone and confused about what to do with their anger.

STEP 2: Consider the Gifts That Come With Anger

It is helpful for us to reframe the way we think about anger from negative to potentially positive. When it is not out of control, anger can be a productive emotion that helps us move through difficult experiences in important ways. Anger can help us recognize when a boundary is needed by alerting us when something that is happening is not okay. Anger can also motivate us to make changes and give us the energy to follow through. And finally, anger can provide a much-needed release of energy attached to upsetting experiences. This is so important because the alternative of stuffing everything inside can be toxic.

STEP 3: Understand Why Your Child Is Out of Control and Set Loving Limits

Even though expressing anger is important it is not okay for your child to hit, or kick, or scream mean things at you. Releasing anger that way feels out of control, and it happens when a child senses their side of things has gone unheard. When a child lashes out to this extent, the hidden message is “I am hurting a lot and nobody gets it. This is the only way I know how to make sure you feel this pain too.” This way of expressing anger is usually subconscious. It is the body’s way of trying to make sense of what is happening and of trying to recruit help and support. When your child crosses the line and lashes out, let him know you understand why he is upset and then add a limit saying “AND in this family, even when we are upset, we never hurt other people on purpose.” The “and” is important here because it allows for both things to be true. A “but” would invalidate all the connection and understanding you communicated in your first sentence.

STEP 4: Make Anger Less Scary for Your Child by Guiding Them Through the Experience

You can learn to make space for your child’s anger and to teach them what to do with it by becoming their partner in the process. Of course, that is hard to do if you are feeling triggered yourself so if you need tips for how to keep your cool when kids get upset check out this post. Once you can learn to keep your own cool, what follows is so much easier. Become familiar with what your child does when she first starts to get upset so you can help her before a full meltdown occurs. Then bite your tongue if your instinct is to give advice or to judge and put yourself in her shoes. You might say “I can see you are upset that your brother knocked over your blocks. That makes so much sense – you worked really hard on that. I think if that happened to me, I would feel mad too!” Nothing extinguishes anger quicker than feeling heard and understood. Then let your child know that it’s okay for them to feel angry and that you aren’t going anywhere.

STEP 5: Help Them Learn Healthy Ways to Let Their Big Angry Energy Out

Sometimes kids just need an adult to listen to their perspective and then the anger dissipates as they collapse into your arms. Other times feeling understood helps, but the big energy of anger remains in a child’s body ready to explode at the next opportunity. In these cases, you can normalize that sensation of big angry energy and join your child in helping them release it. Some of my favorite ideas include bearing down very hard with a red crayon on paper, stomping feet and letting out huge huffs of air, ripping silly putty apart while growling, and my favorite is slow motion punching a pillow. This is different than the typical “punch a pillow” technique. Instead of taking a pillow and punching it fast and hard, squeeze your hand into a fist as tight as you can paying attention to all the muscles in your arm as they contract. Pretend you are a sloth and pull back your fist as slowly as you can with all your muscles still tensed. Then slowly push your fist forward until it connects with a pillow (or you can use a flat hand against a wall). When you make contact, keep pushing until all your energy is spent. Then rest. This technique allows for a tremendous release in a very controlled way.

When your child learns to experience anger with you by their side, it will feel less overwhelming, and he will be able to move through it without making choices that lead to shame and blame. If you are interested in exploring other parenting techniques or strategies for reparenting and healing your own inner child, click here to learn more about how I work with parents.

Oh, and one more thing! Here’s a helpful infographic I updated from a previous post to help you support your child with their big emotions. Just click on the infographic for a printable pdf.