Steps Parents Can Take to Prevent Bullying

A close friend recently shared that she was treating a teenager in the hospital who had been bullied by her peers. In response to the stress she faced at school this child had taken extreme measures and eaten something that would make the pain stop. Despite the care she received this girl died. Not surprisingly, my friend was overwhelmed with how upsetting this experience was– not only as the girl’s doctor but also as a mother to small children of her own.

We hear about bullying regularly. Our children are taught not to do it, and still tragedies like the one my friend witnessed happen on a daily basis. In America over 3.2 million students are victims of bullying each year. Even more shockingly, 1 in 4 teachers don’t see a problem with bullying and they will intervene only 4 percent of the time. As children get older, they talk about bullying with their peers less and less, even though 90% of fourth through eight graders report being the victims of some kind of bullying.

As parents, we are tempted to create bubbles for our children to grow up in so that no one can hurt them. But as hard as we try, this is impossible. Our toddlers fall as they are learning to walk. Our second graders forget their homework and have to miss recess. Someone has a party and our child doesn’t get invited. Tennis tryouts happen and our middle schooler doesn’t make the team. The thing is, although these are examples of things that are painful for our children (and by extension, us), they are also opportunities for growth. Bullying is different in that the consequences can be dire. The good news is that it is possible as parents to make a difference in this epidemic. The best way to combat bullying is to prevent it in the first place. Consider incorporating the following suggestions in your home as part of your daily routine.

Raise your child to speak his mind

From a young age we can teach our children to stand up for what they believe in. This means that when your son has an opinion that is different than yours or when he becomes frustrated by what is happening, you teach him to put words to it in a respectful way. It can be annoying to have to listen to your three-year-old complain she would rather have the pink towel than the green one, but this is your opportunity to teach your child how to identify what she is feeling and how to express it. It doesn’t mean that you have to back down or cave to her every whim, but it does mean that you help your child learn how to craft intelligent arguments and compromises — and that you are willing to listen to them with an open mind. When our children are young they care about what we think, and they listen to what we have to say. As they grow older this changes, and they begin turning to their peers for advice. If we teach our children to simply “do as I say,” we prevent them from cultivating the skills they will later need to argue with a friend who thinks it’s a good idea to spread rumors about the shy girl. They won’t be able to stand up to a boyfriend who wants to egg a peer’s house. They won’t have the skills to argue effectively when a bestie suggests leaving the new girl out. Because this is how bullying starts. With kids who commit micro-aggressions that are seemingly harmless and bystanders who value conforming over doing what they know is right.

Invest energy in helping your child learn to put herself in others shoes

We can also teach our children at every age how much we value empathy. Help them learn to care about how other people are feeling. When a toddler pulls your hair or pinches your arm put words to the fact that it hurt you and that it made you sad. Exaggerate your sad or disappointed expression so that they learn to read social cues about how their behavior affects others. Teach them how to use their hands gently and how to say they are sorry and hug them as you tell them you are proud of them for caring. When someone new joins your first grader’s class, ask questions at dinner that let your child know how important it is to you that he makes an effort to get to know the new kid. If your child doesn’t get the message tell him directly that you expect him to make the new boy feel welcomed and included and follow up to make sure that this actually happens. At every age consider decreasing the amount of time your kids (and especially teens) spend staring aimlessly at screens and instead carve out quality family time where you make memories face to face.

Lead by example

Remember that our children may not always listen to what we have to say but they are always watching to see what we do. Model for them how you stand up for what you believe is right, whether it is at the grocery store or at a march. Talk about your political views and what the candidate you support believes in. Make a point to spend time with families who are different from your own and talk about how doing this adds value to your lives. Spend time volunteering in your community. And be careful not to gossip about other people in front of your children (or better yet don’t do it at all). Kids are always listening to learn what is acceptable in your eyes.

Don’t show fear when they ask the hard stuff

And finally, starting with when our children are small, we can teach them that we are comfortable talking about all of their questions. If your children sense that some topics are taboo they learn that they must try to figure out these things on their own. Get in the habit of telling the truth when your children bring up challenging topics while they are young. It is amazing how brief of an answer they want when they ask you about where babies come from. Be honest but keep it simple and age appropriate and nine times out of ten before you even get started they will move on to asking an equally pressing question like “why is the sky blue?” If children learn that you are uncomfortable talking about hard things, they may feel afraid to burden you with the fact that they are being made fun of in school or that a naked selfie is ruining their life. It is much easier to keep the line of communication open if you start while they are young. Have them put down their ipads or cellphones as you are driving in the car so you can connect. Or, my personal favorite, check in before you give them that final kiss goodnight. If the conversation gets serious or they bring up difficult questions, the darkness will hide your reaction as you take a deep breath and try to answer thoughtfully. Then listen. This is your time to gather clues about what kind of person they are becoming.

Although these suggestions may take a little more time on your part than simply telling your children not to bully, they have the added benefit of bringing you closer to your children as you prepare them to become adults you can admire.

If you live in North Carolina and you think you could benefit from working one-on-one with a parenting expert, click here to contact Amanda J. Zaidman, LCSW for a free 15 minute phone consultation.