The Importance of Temperament and Parenting

A few weeks ago my family got a new puppy. He is a small, black, furry ball of energy who quickly won his way into our hearts. The first few days he was timid and gentle, licking us and occasionally nibbling on our fingers. My husband and I had done this once before when we were in our last years of graduate school and I couldn’t believe how quickly everything was coming back to us. We re-read the puppy training book we had used with our first dog, Otis, and I printed out a schedule to help me remember all of the rules of crate-training. Within 3 days he was sleeping through the night and I was patting myself on the back. As my neighbors who had gotten a puppy a few weeks earlier complained about house training, and naughty puppy behavior I smugly thought to myself, “I’ve done this before, I’ve got this.”

And then, of course, the totally predictable happened. Our sweet puppy got used to his new home and decided that he was in charge. He stopped kissing and started biting our hands hard with his sharp little teeth. He whined when we put him in his crate, and he peed on the floor as soon as we would bring him in from a walk outside. I was instantly transported back in time to when my daughter was an infant, and I learned very quickly how important it is never to judge another parent.

That’s the thing about actually having kids or a puppy. It humbles you. As they change from the angels you have dreamed up in your head to actual beings, you realize quickly that it doesn’t always matter how much you know. Each child is different and they each need different things to help them thrive. Somehow I had forgotten that this could apply to puppies too. Years ago, when we picked out our first dog, Otis, from his litter we intentionally sought out the male that was most submissive. When he misbehaved it only took a firm “no” and a direct look into his eyes to get him to stop. When this didn’t work with our new dog, Tucker, we assumed we must have gotten a dud.

After a few days of sadness and wondering if Tucker would outgrow this phase, it occurred to me that just like my children, perhaps our new puppy needed to be recognized as a unique individual who required different parenting methods to learn how to behave. We had adopted the alpha this time, and he was working hard to establish his role as leader in our family. Fortunately, my husband and I have experience with this as our son has also tried to test these same limits. Our son has a strong personality, and he is very motivated when it comes to getting his way. His big sister is comparably “easy” and if we weren’t blessed with him, we would have assumed that her agreeable nature was solely a result of our parenting skills.

But the thing is, there are no perfect parents, and each child has a unique personality made up of different temperament traits that sometimes feel challenging and other times make us extraordinarily proud. Our son at his worst has caused us to walk on egg shells around him afraid of triggering another tantrum. At his best he is a confident leader who is unafraid to take on challenges. He thrives on a regular schedule, clear and consistent boundaries and positive reinforcement. With the addition of our new puppy to the family, it turns out we may be raising two alphas. As parents it will be our goal to meet each of them where they are and nurture their strengths as they grow. And I will remember that parents of other puppies are a valuable resource with a wealth of knowledge who should always be met with compassion.