A Mother's Reflections About the Importance of Positive Body Image

A few months ago my favorite yoga teacher read a story at the beginning of class. It was about a woman who told her hospice worker that when she dies the thing she will miss more than anything else is her body. Hearing this I was initially shocked. What about her children? What about her husband and her friends? But as the story went on the woman described how much regret she had about taking her body for granted before she became sick. In fact, it was her body that allowed her to fully experience her life. The words my yoga teacher read that day from Kerry Egan’s article What the Dying Really Regret were haunting.

[I will miss] “this body that danced and ate and swam and had sex and made babies. It’s amazing to think about. This body actually made my children. It carried me through this world…”

With the end of her life approaching the thing that sat heaviest in her heart was the knowledge that she would never get to have the experiences of her body again.

This story struck a chord with me that day and has been playing in the back of my mind since. Of course I can objectively appreciate all of the gifts my body has given me but that doesn’t change that I often look in the mirror and wish it was different. At 37 my hair is sprinkled with gray. My stomach is no longer flat, and I spend more time than I would like to admit finding clothes that hide this fact. Just after my daughter was born a beauty consultant tried to sell me wrinkle cream and I can clearly remember thinking, “I don’t need that, I don’t have wrinkles.” I now find myself regretting that I didn’t understand that the cream was preventative and the perfect time to start using it was before wrinkles set in.

Most days I am happy with how I look and how I feel, but those nagging thoughts about my imperfections are always there ready to take over when I least expect it. And what I know is that every time my daughter catches me focusing on my physical insecurities, she learns a lesson that could hurt her. In our society, females are told over and over that we are flawed. For being too curvy, for being too short or being too tall. For being too sporty, or not being athletic enough. For having the wrong color skin or the wrong kind of hair. For being too shy or for not being feminine enough as we stand up for what we believe. These messages are in magazines, on television, and on billboards. They are spoken about super models and actresses and even about presidential candidates. They come out of the mouths of other men and women, and they play on repeat inside our heads.

But I have a daughter, and I want more for her. I know I cannot protect her from these messages of physical perfection that are so pervasive in our society. But there are real things that I can do to improve her resilience to them. I realized as I have thought about that story from my yoga class that if I intentionally model self-appreciation, I have a chance at effecting how my daughter views herself. I already try hard never to question my body in front of her, but I know I can do better. My goal is to do more than pretend to love my body in front of my daughter. What I want is to incorporate the message from that yoga class into my life so fully that my daughter cannot help but have a different example to follow. I want to make friends with my body, now, while it still has so much to offer me.

In an effort to intentionally become a more positive role model for my daughter I have come up with the following list of ideas to keep in mind.

Imagine Your Body as a Friend and Treat It That Way

Being a good friend is about showing loving kindness. Just like you wouldn’t say mean things about a true friend, it is important to catch yourself when you find yourself being mean to your body. When you find yourself frustrated that the baby weight still hasn’t come off, remember the importance of patience. When you try to do something you have always been good at and your body doesn’t respond the way it did when you were younger, remember to practice forgiveness. And on the flip side, when your body surprises you or allows you to go further than you expected it to, don’t take it for granted. Instead practice gratitude.

Focus on Health Rather than Appearances

When your body is your friend, it is easier to focus more on the fuel and the exercise it needs to be healthy and less on ways you can punish your body to get it to bend to your will. Get rid of your scale and stop counting calories. Instead think about what kind of lifestyle changes you can make that will benefit your body and keep it working for longer. Choose forms of exercise that bring you pleasure so that you don’t dread doing them. Get creative about eating healthy foods and ways to make delicious meals and then pause as you are eating to really taste all of the flavors. If you are constantly saying out loud that eating carbs is “bad” or that you are going to have to pay for indulging in dessert with a trip to the gym, remember that you are verbalizing messages of insecurity. Instead focus on moderation and be patient as you learn to make better choices to support your bodies health.

Slow Down and Experience the Sensations of Your Body Mindfully

When our days are busy and our minds are distracted it is easy to miss so much of the joy our bodies give us. Mindfulness teachings encourage us to slow down or even pause to experience moments fully with all of our senses. While on a walk you can focus on the many different sounds you hear. You can try to make an effort to find something with your eyes that you have not noticed before. You can pay attention to the breeze on your skin and you can feel the earth under your feet as you move forward. Focusing on the present moment and all of the sensations of your body so often leads to gratitude. This is a short cut to beginning to acknowledge with sincerity just how remarkable our bodies are.

Openly Challenge the Messages Society Sends

Explore where the idea that we should all look a certain way comes from. You can do this on your own but it is also helpful to put words to this for your children. Let your children know that the images of girls in magazines aren’t real and that even models get airbrushed. Talk about the unhealthy (body-unfriendly) choices girls sometimes make in an effort to conform to unrealistic standards. Make sure your daughter understands she is more than just a collection of body parts (hair, belly, legs, nose etc.) and that as a whole her body can do incredible things. When you give your daughter compliments focus on recognizing when she does amazing things with her amazing body. Receiving a sincere compliment like “I can’t believe you learned to do a flip on the trampoline. Your legs must be really strong,” will mean so much more than “you look so cute in your leotard”. Make sure your son hears you talking about these things as well so that you can start to challenge his notions of what is most important in a girlfriend or a wife.

Don’t Wait Until It’s Too Late

Apparently it is common for Hospice workers to hear from the dying that they have realized only after it is too late that their bodies were a gift. The message I took from the article my yoga teacher shared is that we get one chance to experience the world in these amazing bodies and this is it. As a mom, I am grateful to be able to learn from the wisdom of others. I will commit now to making friends with my body, and I know my children will be watching.

Amanda Zaidman, LCSW is a therapist and parenting consultant. If you live in North Carolina and need help talking to your children about body image or other difficult topics consider scheduling a free phone consultation by clicking here.

This is a link to the article mentioned above: http://www.cnn.com/2014/10/16/health/dying-regret-body-hate/